Jesus Knew You When

Today, Jake has been going on and on about his Chinese house, a description of it's door, it's tire (he played with an old tire a lot), it's couches, it's jie jie's, and Chinese mommy's bike.  Once he starts talking, I rarely even ask a question as he just talks and talks. I wish I could get him talking on video, but he just clams up when I take the camera out.

He talked a lot about the times he stayed in the orphanage. He points to the picture of the orphanage and shows me the "high" room he stayed in.  One of the upper levels. He said there were "lots of babies", and he's sure to tell you that they cried!  He told me today that he cried when he laid down in the bed at the orphanage. Then he said something in a very matter-of-fact way:

"It took a long time for me to get a new Mama and Baba."

You know, for a child,  one day seems like an eternity.  Can you imagine what four years feels like? It makes me wonder how many nights were difficult for him. How many nights did he not understand what was happening to him? How many nights did he cry without someone to hold him or comfort him? What was going through his head? Did he think that switching from orphanage life to foster family life and back again was normal? Did he ever think that he was forgotten about?  When he cried, did he know that it was a mom or dad that he was missing? Did he understand why he was sad and why his heart was aching? The questions swirl in my head even though I realize they will never really be answered. Soon, Jake will forget some of the beginnings of his life. Thoughts and memories will become fuzzy for him all too soon. He will no longer be able to tell me the memories he has.

I remember when Grant came home from Kazakhstan. He had scar tissue in his ear canals that made it difficult for the pediatrician to examine them.  The scar tissue was from ear infections that were left untreated. I'd be lying if I said that this didn't still bother me today. My point is that you never want your kids to suffer physical or emotional pain.  As a mom, you try to keep pain of any kind away from your child.  But knowing that your children suffered without you to comfort them, makes a heavy heart.  Knowing that there were times when they needed me and I wasn't there is difficult to think about.  I know, though, that God knew every pain, every sad heart, every confused thought, every feeling of being unloved and rejected that the boys may have experienced. He allowed them to be in the situation that they were in. 

After Jake stated that it took a long time for him to get a new mama and baba, he innocently asked me "WHY?" in his sweet, little voice with no accusations against my inability to get myself to China faster than four years. The only reasoning I had for him was that Jesus knew right where he was all along; that Jesus knew that he was in China waiting for new parents; that Jesus knew that we were coming for him when he turned 4 years old, and that Jesus wanted him to live in China before he gained a new family. Jesus knew when he was sad or happy, or hungry or sick and that he was taken care of until we could get there. God's timing is difficult for even the most religiously insightful adults to understand. And yet, with child-like faith, Jake accepts my conclusion as to "WHY" he was waiting so long. He moves on to play with his tractor while singing "Jingle Bells" leaving me with a burdensome heart and questions left unanswered requiring my faith to step up and accept that Jesus knew and cared all along. 

Kel  – (December 14, 2010 at 4:49 PM)  


I just sat and sobbed reading that. It really brought home to me, how different life is for these children, and what confusion they must go through. It makes me think what if our child is sitting out there waiting for us.... You know we're not yet at that stage, no firm decisions but I'd love to start... it's all about timing I guess.

Thanks for posting it. Has made my hubby think too. xxxx

Annie  – (December 14, 2010 at 9:44 PM)  

Wonderful and heartwrenching post Heather. Lizzie's memories are not that clear but they are there and when she talks about her life in China, her face changes and she gets very sad. She too has asked what took us so long! A hard question to answer, indeed but I think you handled it beautifully! We cannot always protect our kids nor should we but it so hard to think about them alone and crying with no one there to comfort them! I try not to dwell on it too much although it is hard not to but they are home now and they are loved now and they will never have to be uncomforted again! You are doing such a great job of keeping these memories alive for him!

~Rachel~ –   – (December 15, 2010 at 10:18 AM)  

Well, thanks for the the emotional break down today. My heart aches for "least of these". For the orphans, the widows, the people suffering things to horrendous to imagine. Yet our Jesus is there..
Jesus ..that name still fills me with a love and power I cant't explain. He wants us to be compassionate and caring to all people, is is sad how most of the world treats those they think are the least. but who Jesus values as his disciples. The least, the last, and the left out become the primary ones who come to Jesus and find life, love, and lasting hope.
You have taken those necessary steps to care for His children. You are continuing His legacy of love and I thank you for being that way and being a wonderful example to all of us.

donna  – (December 15, 2010 at 10:46 AM)  

Very touching, a moving post.
Thanks for the great Christmas card. Those kids are the cutest.

Kristi  – (December 15, 2010 at 9:17 PM)  

My heart is heavy with you my friend.

Anonymous –   – (December 16, 2010 at 6:29 AM)  

Heart breaker post today...

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